Help! I live with football and cricket addicts

The bambino's grandpa was away for a few days which meant that I had the TV to myself and I could switch it off when I felt like it. It was blissful to catch up on a couple of episodes of Heroes that I'd recorded (or as Americans say Tivo'd) and I was able to wean the bambino off her mounting addiction to cricket and football. He returned last night and practically sprinted into the sitting room to put the football on in preparation for the Man United game that was starting an hour later.

"It doesn't start for an hour dad..." the boyf said with a grin.
"Are you sure?" his dad said with a look of fear.
"Yes dad...I have been watching Wednesday night football for years..." His dad still looked suspicious.

Just as I was thinking that I'd creep upstairs and watch Hollyoaks (you KNOW I love that show!), the boyf legged it upstairs and turned on the cricket! The bambino who had woken up from a mystery early evening nap was quickly grabbed by the boyf before his dad got to her (I see his competitive spirit is coming out...) and a few minutes later I popped upstairs to stake my claim on the TV. The bambino was looking very cosy on her dads lap as he cuddled and chatted to her whilst watching the cricket. "Hello cheeky face" I beamed at her. She looked at me like I was disturbing her and then she went back to focusing on the cricket. I stomped back downstairs to finish the dinner and wondered how I'd ended up with a house full of sports addicts.

"It's 7.42...." his dad announced.
"Jeez...the game starts at 7.45" the boyf laughed.

Moments later they were both engrossed in the game and speaking to either one of them was a waste of time. Whilst I fed the bambino I had to listen to them doing their own running commentary and the boyf airing his frustrations.

"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you both sound?!"
They both laughed and the boyf started explaining why he was annoyed about the game and I felt my mind go blank and it was a Homer Simpson moment of "Bla bla bla bla..." replacing his speech.

My ma turned up for one of her 'surprise' visits about twenty minutes into the match. I couldn't help but snigger to myself as her and the boyf's dad were introduced and he looked wounded at having to take his eyes off the match. The bambino was just about to go to bed when she arrived but my ma insisted on her staying up and lo and behold, an hour later and the bambino was in meltdown mode. We'd managed to calm her down for a while by letting her sit on the sofa whilst she tried to fit her entire right hand in her mouth with one eye on the Man U game. Then my ma touched her 'fro and she burst into tears...clearly believing that she was about to have it combed.

By the time the bambino was settled (it was actually the first time since she's been born that she refused to settle), the football was over and I was gagging for my bed. Fortunately I'd recorded Heroes. The boyf said he was tired too and was in bed by the time I was finished brushing my teeth...watching the cricket...

"Oh NO! Get that SH*T off!" Moments later I was snuggled up under the duvet watching Heroes...and the boyf was snoring like he was in danger of choking himself...

I may hide the TV next Wednesday and see how they crumble and fall...Well I would if I was capable of lifting a 42"....

Hmmm I'm a Housewife, Countdown to Family Drama

It was 9.30 last night and I finished putting away all of the clean laundry, I suddenly thought "F*cking hell! I'm a bloody housewife!" Now before anyone gets the wrong idea, I was not doing housework all day into the dead of night and instead I am a 'victim' of my own pisspoor time management. There were invites to sort for the impending christening, blogging to do, a 45 minute bitching session with Nac, amongst other pressing matters... As I listened to the bro explain lengthily about his love of Girls of the Playboy Mansion and "booty clapping" to the boyf, I stopped feeling worried that not going to work is making my brain go soft....

With less than 3 weeks to go until the bambino's christening, it is only a matter of time till I go into meltdown. Sometimes it feels like we're always in the middle of the next big thing. As I visusalise most of our families coming together, (the boyf's, my ma's, and my dads) I hear circus music as this has the possibility of fireworks...explosions even... This is going to be one big crackfest and I'm curious as to what's going to go down.

Will my ma and dad be speaking to each other or will she be scared that he'll show her up like he did at my birthday? Will there be fight for Caribbean or African supremacy? Will there be a dance off? Will the bambino do a poo during the baptism? Who will get pissed out of their head and say something inappropriate? Will the grandmothers be competing? Will my ma be having a hot date? Will the boyf and I be hiding at the back of the room snickering to ourselves at the mayhem of our beloved friends and family? Will there be a fight for the jerk chicken and patties? Cue dramatic music and closing credits.... Hmm I may need a holiday after this christening...or a security detail....

Ooh, before I forget...I am finally getting round to redesigning my blog so if you land here over the next few days and think I'm on crack, it's just a temporary glitch...

Exhaustion, Theory Test, TV Loving Bambino, and In the Big Girls Room

Jaysus I can't believe a whole week has gone by...Thank God I didn't go saying that I planned to blog more regularly which is what I had intended to say...Maybe I'll just surprise people...

It's been a pretty hectic week which was compounded when I felt myself feeling exhausted for the first few days. The bambino did her very best to wear out my poor boobs as she tried to settle back into our timezone. In the midst of all of this, I had to study for and take my poxy driving theory test and I found myself going into a panic meltdown as I tried to combat tiredness, hungry bambino, and oodles of multiple choice questions. It was my own fault really as I had intended to pack the study book for our trip and forgot it, which left me with 5 days to study of which 3 disappeared into a wedding and general craziness. Thankfully I passed but I remember at one point thinking that I was going to puke with nerves. The guy at the door to the exam room asked me if I was nervous and when I said yes, he replied "That's good. It's a sign of a highly intelligent person." I smiled and thought how sweet it was but as I walked into the exam room, I heard him drop the same line on the next person... Men! It seems they can slip you lines in all situations...

The bambino has become obsessed with her grandpa after treating him with suspicion for the first few days. Now she breaks into a huge smile and wriggles and squeals with joy as soon as she sets eyes on him. The feeling is mutual and after getting up late on one of the days, I went downstairs to be greeted by her grandpa with his arms folded. "Where is she?" he demanded looking rather petulant at being deprived of her company. Of course there are side effects to this love-in. The bambino has discovered that she loves the TV because her grandpa watches more sport than the boyf does. I mean seriously - How the frick can one person watch a sports channel all bloody day!? Now the bambino likes cricket and is constantly craning her head to check out the screen.

The boyf is delighted that he has a sports loving daughter but is rather put out because she ignored him for most of last week. "I'm sorry darling. Daddy had to go back to work..." but she just turned her head in the other direction and smiled at her grandpa. Later the boyf asked "Do you think that she thinks that he's me?". He looked so sulky that I fell around laughing. Now he knows how I felt when we let her be babysat (by his mum) for the first time and she refused to look at me when we got back, instead squealing with joy when she saw her dad. He pissed himself laughing then so I've had a lot of mileage out of this one!

She moved into her own room last Thursday and I felt very emotional when I realised that she wasn't in her carrycot at the side of the bed, squealing, farting, shuffling, and sucking her tongue. I'd been asking the boyf to put up her blackout blind for a month and I'd ended up screaming at him the night before. Being the tired, hormonal bitch that I was last week, you can imagine how pissy I felt when I woke up the bambino by accident at 10.30pm just as I was planning to have an early-ish night. The boyf made an outlandish claim that he's never woken up the bambino and I let him have it with both barrels, and stooped low by shouting at him about the blind. Of course ten minutes later and I felt like a total cow and apologised to him, and lo and behold the blind was up and the bambino in her room the following night.

I had been out for dinner with my antenatal group (it was the first time since 'the incident') and when I got back the light was on in our bedroom. When I pointed this out, he said he'd go and turn it off, but he knew full well that I would go to the bedroom as I would want to see the bambino. It took a moment to register that she wasn't in her cot and for a moment I was filled with panic until I looked next door. I dashed downstairs and confronted him with my hands on my hips. "You're a sneaky bas...." and then I spotted his dad and held back. "You think you're reeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllll funny don't you! Trying to play with my mind!" and we both burst out laughing. "I don't know what you mean.." he smiled. "Yeah, yeah. I saw the bambino in her room and the blind is up." "It is?" he said with a cheeky grin.

I do miss her in the room but it is lovely to have our room back. The boyf being extra makes a point of talking loudly when he comes in, just to prove that it's 'his' room. Obviously the downside for him is that he can no longer blame his daughter for his farts....

Wedding Shenanigans

On Saturday we attended another wedding, this time with my friend and work colleague Q and her husband. I'm sure that the boyf and her husband were feeling nervous as they know how much we can misbehave...and we certainly didn't let them down...

The wedding was due to start at 12.30 "European Time not Sierra Leone Time" it specified on the invite. The boyf was still in the shower at 12.30 and at 12.45, Q called to say that they were in the pub. When we finally rocked up at 2pm with the bambino in tow, the wedding had only started ten minutes beforehand... Of course by then, the bambino was due for a feed and after cooing along (yet again) during the vows, she went into one of her hunger hissy fits and I had to rush her out of the church. As I fed her in the car, an elderly man took a good peek at my boob in the car and when he passed it he looked back, so I yelled out the window "Are you getting a good enough view?!" He quickened his pace and there was no more looking back!

As luck would have it, we were all sitting together and we had a good giggle whilst the bambino had a snooze in her car seat. As the speeches started, the bambino woke up, so the boyf and his bro whisked her off. Admittedly us ladies were a bit bored with the speeches which seemed to go on forever because they were open mic. However, much giggling ensued when the bride opened up her speech by thanking her boss (Q's husband) for coming along at the top of her speech! As we continued to snort with laughter, he gave us one of those warning looks, so we calmed ourselves down. Then an elderly woman did a heartfelt speech and at the end, we heard Q say "Ooh, she rhymed!" which made us collapse in giggles again.

AM, my future sister-in-law and I became engrossed in a whispered conversation with one ear on the speeches, when we both froze in horror as the words took root in our mind. "...she has waited eleven years...both have waited...she came to me when there were problems in the relationship. At one point things were not working out between them....Told her to have faith in the Lord and not to lose her virtue..." Q, AM, and I looked at each other in horror and I looked around at the guests and felt the air being sucked out of the room. Q and AM were clutching me and we were trying so hard not to laugh. This woman had just told the entire wedding party that the bride was a virgin and was pretty much airing out their private dirty laundry in public! Then the words of the groom "We have waited a very long time for this day..." and the father of the bride "I asked her what she wanted to do now that she had graduated and she said she wanted to get married and I told her NO" all came rushing back to me. At the first opportunity, we made a hasty exit from the room so that we could let out the pent-up laughter.

After dropping the bambino home to her grandpa (we didn't waste much time in availing of his babysitting services) we headed back to the reception with AM and the boyf's bro. Q had been carted off home as she was quite drunk after being on the vino since lunchtime, so it was left to AM and I to pick up the troublesome reins. I leaped to my feet when I heard MJ and we hit the dancefloor, checking to make sure the boyf wasn't looking before breaking out a few MJ moves. We were the only people on the dancefloor so it was quite funny when people started clapping. The DJ was pretty awful so nobody danced very much, and it's unfortunate that we'll be remembered as the girls who raced up to the dancefloor when LL Cool J's "Doin It" and Akon's "I wanna love you" which turned out to be "I wanna %$*% you"... Clearly I was overexcited by being out as I even danced on my own at our table whilst we waited for AM to return from the bathroom before we left.

We decided to go home and as we said our goodbyes, AM and I stopped to talk to the groom who was in his evening garb of traditional African dress. His mother was standing behind him in a long evening dress with a fishtail (not literally) that would have done Crystal Carrington from Dynasty proud. As we chatted, I found myself staring through the cut-outs of his top and seeing his nipples and chest hair. Before I knew it, I heard a mental thought becoming a verbal one as I said "Oooh, you don't have anything on underneath your top!" He and his mother stared at me in amusement as AM and I started to howl with laughter. Thank goodness they were good humoured about it as AM and I were carted off by our boyfriends. Outside, the boyf and his bro were cracking up laughing as we recounted the days entertainment. As we tried to pull out of our parking space, a woman advised us that a car had broken down and we'd have to maneuver around it and for some reason this made us laugh even harder.

At home as my head swam and tried to get out of my heels, I said to the boyf "I didn't make a show of you did I?" and he laughed and said "God no. I'm glad you enjoyed yourself!" and as I wobbled around he added "Will I help you upstairs..." and I thought 'Thank God I have a boyfriend who is chilled out and let's me be myself' followed very quickly by 'Hmmm, I wonder if they're consummating their marriage yet....'

Back From America

I should have known that our holiday was going to be eventful when the boyf put his hand in the front pocket of his suitcase moments before we were leaving and handed me a thong. "Why are you giving me someone else's knickers!?! Oh my God! Are these one of your exes knickers?????" We were howling with laughter and he kept insisting that this ratty thong must be mine. Neither of us have used this suitcase the entire time that we've together so it's either an exe's or his mums... From there it was calamity and entertainment all the way...

We were about 10 minutes from Heathrow when we realised that the bambino's dress for the wedding was still on the drying rack in the kitchen... We were only drying it because the boyf wanted her to try it on and she promptly threw up all over it...

The bambino charmed everybody at our BA check-in desk but the laughs and smiles soon turned to tears when she decided to have a meltdown about not getting my boob quick enough, swiping at my boobs and making a holy show of me. To add to our woes, British Airways hadn't booked the bambino on the flight properly which caused a delay at both ends which was infuriating. Plus they forgot to put her crib on the outbound flight which meant that she had to lie on a seat. She pooed one minute into the take-off and 5 minutes before they said that we were going start the descent...on both flights... Fortunately on the return journey she didn't leak on her clothes but on the flight to the US she leaked twice and ended up leaving the plane in hardly any clothes! And she leaked onto my trousers...The bambino was brilliant on both flights (except for the poos). She slept for most of the flights and either played or entertained the passengers and crew. Have I mentioned that the cabin crew on our return flight were camper than a field of tents?! The bambino loved them! The boyf is worried that she likes men in uniforms...

The boyf left his manbag hanging on the trolley outside Baltimore Washington Airport. Unfortunately he didn't realise until we were on the bus to the car rental and everybody was pissing themselves laughing when he hurled himself off the bus and broke into a sprint back to the airport. When we went to collect our car, two other people were claiming it was theirs. They decided to get gangsta so we backed off. Fortunately we ended up with an enormous GMC car that made us feel like high rolling gangsta's. Unfortunately the bambino decided that she'd had enough and when she found herself sitting in n unfamiliar car seat, she screamed the place down for the entire journey to our friend Jez's house.

It was great spending time with Jez who has her own baby in the form of Crazy Bitch, her man hating, in fact everyone hating,Chihuahua. The boyf loves dogs so he spent the week trying to make friends with her and it was only minutes before we were leaving when she decided that she liked him. We were highly entertained by Crazy Bitch who would hide from the boyf and then attempt to slink out of the room and then break into a sprint when she saw him. She also liked to bark at the bambino who just kept staring at her completely bemused.

At the wedding the bambino decided to chatter the whole way through the ceremony, increasing the volume when they were exchanging their vows. The funniest part was when the singer was belting out a ballad and after watching her enraptured for a while, the bambino started cooing along to the song very loudly. Of course, right at the end of the ceremony when I should have been watching the happy couple make their way back up the aisle together, I had to dash off and feed the bambino who was having one of her hunger meltdowns. I sat in a hallway at the back where I felt sure I wouldn't be interrupted because I assumed everyone would be going out front, only for half of the congregation to pass through whilst my boob was hanging out...

The boyf and I managed to have a couple of evenings out totally on our own which was the first time since the bambino was born. They were lovely and we're going to start having more 'dates' now, especially as the boyf's dad is staying for a month. We figure he can hone his babysitting skills ;-)

I met a hell of lot of the boyf's extended family during our stay. I met his gran and great-aunt of which one is blind and the other deaf. The first time we met them, they were sulking because they said they had been waiting all day (unbeknownst to us) and it was quite funny watching an 88 and 91 year old have mini-tantrums. We found ourselves in trouble again the following night as we didn't know that we were supposed to have collected them hours ago. The door was flung open by Angry Friend who announced "You're late!" It was my job to help his gran to the car (she's blind) and I just assumed that she knew her way past the furniture like she did in her own home. I was leading her along unthinkingly and next thing you know she walks straight into the couch. "You know that you need to guide her out of here! She can't see!" and we all howled with laughter. Out at our big GMC car we had to get all 3 of them into the car. Angry Friend tried to clamber in the back but the height was a struggle for her weary bones and the boyf had to help her. Next thing you know, the boyf is pushing her into the car boo-tay first. As he is shoving her arse first into the car we were all howling with laughter and Angry Friend is looking all coquettish with her 70-something years...

We decided to stay at a hotel on our last night to be close to Washington Dulles. We were literally two minutes from the hotel when the boyf says "Sh*t! We're getting pulled over!" This was the second time this had happened to the boyf who had gone the wrong way up a one way street in DC. He blames the bloody GPS which he basically argued with all week. "Oh f*ck!" I wailed as scenes from Crash and every other film I have ever seen with US cops in it flashed through my mind. Of course we had to get stopped by Ego Cop with our car pulled up in a posh neighbourhood. The boyf had already advised that we were to stay in the car so thankfully we weren't shot ;-)

"Are you aware that you were driving 61 miles an hour in a 45 mile zone?" in what sounded like a Southern drawl.
"No I wasn't" replied the boyf.
"Did you see the speed limit and just decide that you would ignore it?" he asked with a goonish smile.
"No. I'm sorry I didn't realise. I'm not from here."
"I see your from the UK. When are you going back?"
"Tomorrow"
"Have you been stopped at any other point during this trip?"
The boyf and I didn't look at each other at this point thankfully as I would have laughed. "I..er...got stopped last week for driving the wrong way up a one way street...It was the GPS's fault.." He just can't let go of his fight with the GPS!
"Can I see your passport?"
At this stage it was all I could do not to scream at him to piss off with his penis wagging trip. He was clearly trying to make us squirm.
"OK...so you're going back tomorrow.." At this point we could tell that he had realised that it was a waste of time but he was figuring out how to make us sweat. "So you're going back tomorrow...tomorrow...So you're going back tomorrow...Hmmm...OK. Wait here"

He made us wait for close to ten minutes whilst my over active imagination imagined a fleet of cop cars arriving or us being made to stand face first against the car. The bambino was snooring away blissfully in the back whilst I bitched about the curtain twitcher that I was convinced had been watching us from the window of their house the entire time. Eventually Ego Cop returned and gave the boyf a warning with a freakish smile on his face. It was only when we turned the car around (at a snails pace) that I realised that the "f*cking curtain twitcher" that I had been bitching about was a tree outside the window of the house...

Oh and of course I shopped till I dropped. But would you believe me if I told you that the boyf outshopped me?! And we got so much gifts from relatives for the bambino that we were worried that we wouldn't be able to carry them all back! It's good to be home...

Off To America

It's just before 7.30am and the boyf is insisting that we leave for Heathrow in a few minutes despite not booking the car parking till 10am... Funny how I distinctly remember saying "Will we book the parking for 9?" Of course when he is whinging about having to wait, I'll try to resist the urge to say 'I told you so'... He'll be lucky if I don't batter him with the suitcase before the end of the day... Our flight isn't even until 1pm! He is paranoid about traffic and getting through the airport with the bambino. I guess I will be forced to pass the time in the shops... Oh no! What will I do? ;-)

As usual I got in trouble for overpacking. Apparently I am a paranoid mother (I was worried she may not have enough clothes. Babies puke!) I don't know what the excuse was about my own clothes but I needed every last one of those items!

OK, gotta run as the boyf is coming and if he catches me on my laptop, I'll be in trouble. I haven't quite finished packing!

Alright Now, Religious Mix Up, Facebook Scene Investigation

I'm feeling better after my little vent and thanks for the lovely comments. I emailed the group and told them that I won't be joining them for the weekly get togethers anymore. I didn't do chapter and verse on the ins and outs of why and just said that for various reasons, I just don't feel that I fit in. It's not that I don't get on with them, but the whole group thing just doesn't do it for me and I think that the 'handbag' comment just ended up being the straw that broke the donkey's back. Since then I spoke to the girl I probably get on best with and it helped to clear up some stuff and to also better understand where my feelings stemmed from.

Apparently I got the wrong end of the stick when I overheard them arranging to meet up and then one of them went quiet. They never did meet up but that wasn't actually the point. I just didn't see the need for them to go quiet. I think that what has happened is that a few small things happened and then along came last Friday and when everything was all added together, I felt something snap. The feeling like I don't fit in seems to stem a lot from me not having a need for support or to moan about my bad experiences, because I'm not having a difficult time of it. I never take it for granted that the bambino sleeps and feeds well (touch wood) but as a group they have bonded through tales of sleepless nights, difficulties with breastfeeding, colic, frustration etc and I haven't been able to relate. To add to it, I felt uneasy about talking about enjoying things with the bambino as I didn't want to be perceived as 'too happy' or rubbing anything in their faces. Instead of feeling like I could enjoy sharing the joys of motherhood, as well as the downs, I felt like I had to be struggling in order to fit in. At the end of the day, I need more than the fact that we've all been knocked up as a reason to get to know them, and because I had no misery to share, it was like going along to AA and not being an alcoholic...

At the end of it all I have to chalk it up to a learning experience. I think I've probably made a couple of good friends who I will get to know on an one to one basis over time and without having to talk the baby thing to death, and I guess that's a bonus. As for the 'handbag' comment, I don't think I'll ever understand the insensitivity of the comment but I don't think I'm supposed to. At that moment I felt like there was a class divide and it was based on being black and as the only black person at the table, that was just damn weird. It's funny because one person didn't hear the comment and one of them that did hear it, didn't think anything of it. Does that mean that this person isn't listened to, or that people just don't think anything of racially insensitive comments?

Anyway enough about that...

It's one week till we head off to America and I feel a mixture of excited and nervous. We're taking a lunchtime flight and hopefully the bambino will be OK with it. She is a very chilled and contented baby but admittedly she's never had to cope with being on a massive, noisy, airbus! We're off to DC and a few different places in Maryland for a family wedding of 500 people. Apparently many of these people are excited about meeting the bambino for the first time and I wonder if we will get near our child during our stay. But forget the wedding. I can't wait to shop! I little feel a little feverish at the thought of the fab exchange rate and me hitting the stores. The boyf is petrified. Ah...poor boyf...he won't be able to go to the TV department in any of the stores and watch football matches like he would if he was shopping here with me...

We've also booked the bambino's christening - clearly the boyf and I don't get a rest - and it was very funny when the boyf panicked on Monday night because he thought that he'd booked it in a Catholic Church by accident. I got a lot of mileage out of it and took the piss out of him, but it turns out that it's not Catholic so I had to eat my words.

I must admit to a bit of FSI - Facebook Scene Investigation. You can peek into other people's lives and find out all sorts of stuff... OK, you can check out ex girlfriends! This is a fantastic pastime! Admittedly it hadn't even occurred to me to do it until the boyf's bro complained about ex girlfriend's putting too much info on there. Basically his current girlfriend came home one day and went onto their PC where he was still logged into Facebook. There were two outstanding friend requests from ex-girlfriends so she accepted them on his behalf . He was not impressed when they put stuff like 'We dated for a while' in the bit for how you know each other because he thinks that there is no need for people to know that they dated! I was pissing myself laughing because clearly he just doesn't want his girlfriend having a trail of his past. Of course, first chance I got I had a look through the boyf's friends and enjoyed having a peek at some of his ex's. One of them has a limited profile, which for those not in the know means that you can only see basic information and I couldn't go on her page. Without thinking I asked the boyf a "How come X has a limited profile?!" and he was cracking up laughing. "Sweetie, have you been checking out my ex-girlfriends? Aaah..that's so cute!" I have a feeling he'll be dining off this one for a while...

Is My Bra An ATM?

At 11.30 on Friday night, I walked out of restaurant with five other women that I met through my National Childbirth Trust (NCT)antenatal class. It was our first proper night out since having our babies and it was supposed to be a night on the razz but we appeared to be finishing early, and whilst people had drunk, they hadn't drunk very much. "So where do we get taxi's?" I asked and they all looked slightly embarrassed. "Oh X and Y are driving...." and I suddenly acknowledged that the cliquey vibe that I had been trying to ignore could be ignored no longer. One of them very hurriedly offered to come back into the restaurant with me to call a taxi and made a half hearted offer of waiting with me, but I quickly told them that it was OK for them to go and said my goodbyes.

In the taxi on the way home a few tears plopped down my cheeks as I smarted from what had happened. They were probably vino tears propelled by the few glasses of wine I'd had... I got home and spoke briefly with the boyf and the lads who were having a poker night and quickly took myself off to bed. I lay there for a while playing back the evening and some of our previous get togethers (we meet up each Wednesday - all around England, women who met through National Childbirth Trust (NCT) antenatal classes tend to meet up each week) in my mind till the boyf came to bed. He put his arms around me and said "Do you want to wait till tomorrow or do you want to tell me now?"

I told him about feeling like a complete dick outside the restaurant and realising how they'd organised amongst themselves without a care in the world for me. How one of the women (from South Africa) described being held up by black people at her business and them searching her bra for money. "Stupid people think thought that I had money in there. They forget that it's black women that carry their money in their bras. White women carry theirs in handbags." Do you know that not ONE person flinched from that comment? I described how I'd been at one of the get together's and come back downstairs from using the bathroom and caught the tail end of two of them arranging to meet up a couple of days later. "Will we do our usual meet up?"asked one of them. "Yeah, let's. Where do you want to meet?" "Shall we meet at..." and as I approached she gave her a warning look and tried to style it out and pretend that she was talking about something else. I didn't say anything and I couldn't have given a monkeys that they were meeting up. It was the weird secretive conversation and pretending to be talking about something else that let me know that she was afraid I'd want to be included. What are we? 7! Or how about when I first met up with them after having the bambino and some of them were being strange with me because she slept through most of the afternoon. One asked how she was sleeping at night and I was foolishly honest and said that she was sleeping really well. She looked at me with a tight face and snidely said "Ha! Let's see how long THAT lasts for!"

The boyf understood where I was coming from - He has previously expressed concern about the cliqueness - and he was upset for me as I shed tears at what feels like a weird rejection from people I don't know particularly well, and it's made all the more odd that we all met at the same time. I do live in a different area that's not far from them, which may have contributed to me being on put on the edge, but that doesn't make me feel any better. At the end of the day, it's not about wanting to be Miss Popular, it's more about not wanting to put myself in an uneccessary situation.

I happen to know I'm not on my own. The stories I have heard about NCT bitchiness are rife and I realise that motherhood and what you do with your baby, whether you breastfeed and are good at it, whether your baby is content, sleeps through the night, your clothes, your boyfriend/husband and any other thing that they feel like putting up to scrutiny means that I have now entered into an adult highschool. It's not a competition for me. The thought of people comparing baby weights, how well they feed, when they roll over, sit up, walk, talk etc just makes me cringe yet I know that it will happen regardless. I thought that hanging out with people who were going through the same life stage and experience was great but it's just another way for women to be bitchy. I'm 30 years old (jaysus I really am 30) and I'm too old for this bullshit. I know I'll never be able to escape the bitchiness that can sometimes be dished out by women but I'm not about to put myself in the frontline of it every week, just so I can say that I hang out with some new mothers and their babies and pretend that I fit in.

I'm not an over-sensitive person and I'm not going to keep soul searching and asking "What did I say? What did I do?!' because at the end of the day, breathing, existing, and being happy is hardly a crime. Women find all sorts of reasons to be cliquey and it doesn't have to be about me per se. At the end of the day, we're all adults and I'm glad that these people have found friendships and closeness. Being on the edge of a clique just isn't a nice feeling and I have so much going on in my life and much to enjoy and be happy about that it seems pointless to be uncomfortable with people that were unknown to me 4 months ago just for the sake of the fact that we've all had babies and become mothers.

As for the casual racism, I'm not going to second guess what was meant by that generalisation and whether it was or wasn't racist. All I know is that considering that I am the one black person at that dinner table, you need to be some kind of crackerjack to think that I will be comfortable with that comment...I actually said to the boyf "Do you think she's one of those people that doesn't 'see' me as one of 'those black people' or should I just consider myself lucky that when I've been at her house she hasn't asked me to come by the back door!?!" We were cracking up laughing in the bed and I knew that I would be fine and that the upset would fade. Just as I was nodding off I said "Maybe next time I see her I should pull some twenties out of my bra...." and the rest! Doesn't she realise that this black woman practically takes everything but the kitchen sink in HER handbag?!

Do I Have to Be Around When You Air Your Dirty Laundry?

On Saturday we went to a BBQ with our usual cohorts. It's normally pretty relaxed, with our bambino's in tow and plenty of giggling and pisstaking. Whilst we had fun, I have to admit that this time it was different as there were some guests that were very full on. Much as I may take the piss out of our men, the boyf would be mortified if I spoke to him like a dog in public (or in private for that matter) and aired any problems in public. I just wouldn't dream of behaving like this anyway because not only is it disrespectful but if he did it to me, his nuts wouldn't know what hit them...

For the whole evening, we were treated to this woman antagonising the husband about the fact that he hadn't married her yet. Nevermind the fact that she was already pregnant with their second child. At first I thought it was kind of funny because she was so blunt and he just seemed to tune out of her frequency, but as the evening progressed she just seemed to get more aggressive about it and occurred to me that this woman wasn't messing around. They had their kid with them who was a bundle of energy and didn't stop moving and touching stuff. We might as well have referred to him as 'DOOOON'T touch that or you're getting the wooden spoon!'... She tried to get the dad to take him off her hands and sent him outside to him. We were chatting away when the little boy mysteriously materialised in the sitting room (we were on the 1st floor of an apartment block). She looked absolutely livid because clearly she wanted a break and no word of a lie, she opened up the sitting room window and roared down to her boyfriend like a fisherwoman "DON'T THINK THAT YOU'RE FUNNY YOU KNOW!!!! JUST DON'T! I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING! DON'T MESS WITH ME! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE YOUR SON DOWN THERE AND YOU THINK YOU'RE FUNNY SENDING HIM BACK UP HERE! YOU'LL SEE! COME AND GET YOUR SON!"

I watched this unfold open mouthed and then I did what I always do in awkward situations where I feel nervous and had a terrible fit of the giggles. Then I caught my friend T's eye and she looked like she was going to bust a gut from holding in her laughter and we both started to laugh even harder. I tell you - Some women really know how to get GANGSTA with their partners!

We had a laugh but the evening was not our usual relaxed vibe and at one point when she snapped at her husband for saying that if he could turn back time ten years he'd stay in his home country with "Don't think that you could knock up a woman back home and not marry her there!", I wanted the ground to open up and swallow us all. Instead, recognising that the carpet wasn't about to give way to all of us, I ran into the kitchen and hid in there with T. We were laughing but cringing at the same time. The boyf of course was completely oblivious because he was watching the football, cricket, and golf. I had to explain to him what had happened even though he had been sitting in the same room! Honestly, you can't take him anywhere! But the fact that he watched so much TV whilst we were out suggested that on some level he knew that there was tension and 'tuned' out...

In other news, the bambino has taken to shrieking with joy by way of greeting us, and sometimes when she's about to go to sleep or just woken up. The boyf and I are pleased that she is so vocal and happy but find it quite strange when she does it 4am... When she does it just after waking up and it's dark, I do have to wonder what on earth can be entertaining her so much. But this is a child who has been focused on eating her hands for the past two weeks and who also sucks her tongue, much to the amusement of onlookers. She's clearly going to be a chatterbox..just like her dad (I say), just like her mum (he says) as she makes lots of sounds and if you mimic them, she gets very excited and does even more sounds. So far she has reduced both of her grandmothers to watery eyes with her chatting antics... As long as she doesn't grow up shrieking out of windows at her boyfriend like a fisherwoman on crack...she can shriek to her hearts content!

So I Can Still Get Chatted Up EVEN With The Bambino

It's possible that I have been misguided in thinking that my days of being chatted up are over, after all, I don't seem to give off that vibe that used to draw in every Tom, Dick, and Harry that fancied their chances. The sight of the bambino and my mammoth boobs full of milk should scare off any bloke...but of course, I do draw in the nutters....

This guy started talking to me in the station today and as usual, despite being a bitch under many circumstances, I become Miss Nice when I'm cornered in public. Well at least initially anyway... You'd think that me not really responding to his questions and gazing at the bambino with my usual besotted face would be enough to scare him off, but he continued to make conversation with me and then asked if I'd like to go for a coffee. I stared at him in disbelief and focused my full attention on him. "Are you taking the mick?" I said looking pointedly from him to the bambino.

"I..er...no. I just thought that..."
I cut him off. "You thought what exactly? I'm in a relationship....OBVIOUSLY!"
"Oh...I'm sorry...It's just that you don't have on a wedding ring..."he said looking very apologetic and bemused.
I burst out laughing. "Oh I'm sorry that me having a child out of wedlock has confused you! Last I checked it's 2007...not 1907..." I wisecracked.
He laughed nervously and then there was an uncomfortable silence. "Well I'll be off then...Bye...It was nice talking to you..." He's obviously too nice for his own good as I had blatantly taken the piss out of him.
I said goodbye distractedly because at that moment the bambino scrunched up her face and made the revving car noise that signals that she's squeezing out farts....Why couldn't she have done that a few moments earlier?